I have ten minutes before I need to leave. I'm meeting a friend to run our dogs and get coffee. The dogs are funny together, both puppies, though Teddy is a year old now.
That's not what I need to get posted. I need to write about fear.
See, yesterday, a different friend asked if we wanted to go along with them down to the river. As I talked to Mike about it, I realized that what she was talking about was floating the river. The Snoqualmie. Remember what I told you about what happened on the Snoqualmie a couple of weeks ago?
Today is Friday. Mike is going to be at work today. That would mean that, if we really are going down the river, I'm doing it with a bunch of kids, including my only kid, and an adult with little experience of the water. I don't even know if she has a canoe or a raft with paddles. I don't know if she expects to use life jackets. I don't know.
And worse than any of that is that Mike can't go. He's my rock.
"Honey, if that's what she means, you should go. It would be fun! You can read the river. You can bring the canoe, the throw bag, and extra life jackets."
"I can't paddle that canoe without you! I can't even get it onto the truck without help."
Fear.
I have no fear about getting the damn canoe onto the truck. My friend could help me with the weight. I could tie it on properly.
My fear is about being in a situation without Mike. I'm not good when my adrenaline spikes. I don't want to be the one who has the most experience. I want Mike to be that guy. I have all the bravado of a cowboy, but when Mike's not in the picture regarding traveling along a river, I roll over and throw my paws in the air.
What I'm afraid of is that I'll be standing there with a throw bag and I'll throw like a girl. I'm afraid I'll miss a strainer and we'll all pile up into it. I'm afraid that I'll look the run up on the Internet and I won't see a big fat warning about something dangerous we should avoid.
I'm afraid without Mike.
Oh man. It feels pathetic.
But yet it feels smart too.
Thank you for listening, jb
That's not what I need to get posted. I need to write about fear.
See, yesterday, a different friend asked if we wanted to go along with them down to the river. As I talked to Mike about it, I realized that what she was talking about was floating the river. The Snoqualmie. Remember what I told you about what happened on the Snoqualmie a couple of weeks ago?
Today is Friday. Mike is going to be at work today. That would mean that, if we really are going down the river, I'm doing it with a bunch of kids, including my only kid, and an adult with little experience of the water. I don't even know if she has a canoe or a raft with paddles. I don't know if she expects to use life jackets. I don't know.
And worse than any of that is that Mike can't go. He's my rock.
"Honey, if that's what she means, you should go. It would be fun! You can read the river. You can bring the canoe, the throw bag, and extra life jackets."
"I can't paddle that canoe without you! I can't even get it onto the truck without help."
Fear.
I have no fear about getting the damn canoe onto the truck. My friend could help me with the weight. I could tie it on properly.
My fear is about being in a situation without Mike. I'm not good when my adrenaline spikes. I don't want to be the one who has the most experience. I want Mike to be that guy. I have all the bravado of a cowboy, but when Mike's not in the picture regarding traveling along a river, I roll over and throw my paws in the air.
What I'm afraid of is that I'll be standing there with a throw bag and I'll throw like a girl. I'm afraid I'll miss a strainer and we'll all pile up into it. I'm afraid that I'll look the run up on the Internet and I won't see a big fat warning about something dangerous we should avoid.
I'm afraid without Mike.
Oh man. It feels pathetic.
But yet it feels smart too.
Thank you for listening, jb
Good to be back, Julie.I can understand how you feel.Its the same way I feel about things I know little about.The fear that I might do something wrong and hurt someone in the process...the fear is tough to beat.But not impossible.I am sure if you keep faith in yourself, you can do it.Go,girl!
ReplyDeleteArti, the sad thing is that I've been doing this for 25 years, but I've almost died doing it too and I know what can happen. I don't want to lose my respect for what happens on a river.
DeleteGlad you're back too! How did your show go? jb