Tuesday, November 20, 2012

No Returns, Part I

I'm about to start buying Mike's birthday and Christmas presents.  He's a Christmas baby, or close enough.  Don't tell him, but I'm getting him some good stuff, or at least I hope it's good stuff.  I'm hoping he'll get me a cat. Our cat Seth is a good cat, but he prefers Mike's lap to mine and he gets aggravated with me because I wiggle around too much.  He only sits on my lap when Mike isn't around.  Sometimes, he'll cry to Mike to sit down when I'm sitting right there on the recliner patting a pillow on my lap.  It makes me feel so rejected.  So I need a cat, a sweet cat who doesn't mind sitting on my lap even if I am fidgety.  I doubt I'll get a cat for Christmas, but I wish I would.

For Mike, I make sure he tells me just exactly what he wants, down to the make, model, and watt rating.  See, I'm horrible about picking out the good duds.  I don't know which company makes solid equipment and which doesn't .  I'd get a socket set that's metric instead of standard.  I'd buy the smaller tool chest. I'd get the drill driver that only has a 47 minute battery life.  I'd get this really great 21 ton lift when the biggest car in the garage is only 6 tons.  So, I ask Mike to tell me just exactly what he wants so there's no messing around with exchanges.  You should have seen the Christmas when I wrapped a small box with a note in it to put under the tree. Nick was so disappointed at first.  I think he thought I'd gotten him some kind of jewelry.  The note said, 'Go look in the truck' and when he read it, his face lit up. The standing drill press that Mike had asked me for was stuck in the back of the truck, too heavy for me to unload, let alone get up the stairs and 'under' the tree. We both really liked that drill press. I could have backed the truck up to that thing and drilled a hole through my tail gate. Unfortunately, last year, after eighteen years of good service, mice made their nest in the housing and ruined it.  I may have to get him another one, maybe a bigger one.  You think?

I also have a tradition of getting Mike a Despair calendar. Every month is a different beautiful scene with a rude and hysterical saying that goes with it. Imagine a majestic ocean photo of a shipwreck with the caption, "It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others."
For the calendar, I get to choose different posters for each of the twelve months.  I usually pick something cynical about love for July because that's our anniversary month and something outdoorsy, snowy, and pathetic for December, Mike's birthday. Then, I populate the whole year, with these pithy, sarcastic, and totally apt sayings with amazing photos to grace them.   

The best part is that I get to make up holidays for different days on the calendar.  December 26th is either 'Play With Your Toys' Day or 'You're Broke' Day, depending on how I feel when I make it.  I love ordering that calendar.  I always forget what I did for last year, so I have no examples for you.  I have a good time once I get going though.  One time, I had our niece help me make up strange holidays and hers were hysterical.  My favorite was 'The Guy in the Next Stall is Talking on His Cell Phone' Day.  Don't think about that one too long. I wonder what holidays I'll make up this year. 

Dog Hair on Your Pants Day
Multiple Random Texts Day
Buy My Birthday Present Today Day (I like that one.)
Everybody Gets a Snow Day But You Day

I'm telling you.  They get better as I go along.  Really.  Well, maybe some of them aren't so funny.  A few of them are funny.  I promise.  I mean it.  Okay, I'll go work on it some more.  I'd hate to give Mike a lame Christmas present after all. 

So, I was going to tell you about the very first Christmas and birthday present I got for Mike.  I really was.  I'm sorry, we're out of time today.

Thank you for listening, jb


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