When people talk about things they did in their youth, I have my share of stories to tell too, along with a few regrets. I frequently danced in New York city all night when I was in my twenties. Once, I was told that I wasn't allowed to tell that to a friend's son. 'Okay,' I thought. 'It wasn't that bad. I was just dancing and I wouldn't trade that in for the world.' At least I hadn't been telling the story about the time I peed in Central Park. That might not have been my finest moment, but it isn't actually a regret. I'll admit, I drank too much in college too. Who didn't? In fact, the first car I ever bought had a dent in the trunk where I'd slammed it down on the keg I tried to put in for a baseball game. I don't really think that's what's going to bother me on my deathbed. What I'll worry about on my deathbed is whether I made Nick feel my love deep in his bones, like the lyrics to Paul Simon's song 'Loves Me.' You know which song I mean - 'she gets down on her knees and hugs me, loves me like a rock....' Yes, that is what I am going to be thinking of, regretting if I didn't manage, when I'm dying. There's another thing I regret. I was rude to a couple of good friends from high school and wish I could bring back their friendships, even now, after all these years.
...
I have just spent the last hour on Facebook, trying to locate these two people. Lily has a unique name and I found her immediately. I hope she accepts my friend request. It would be a form of forgiveness for what I did. Lily and I were close friends all through high school. She was always nice to me, no matter how silly I behaved. I believed that we would be friends forever. Then we graduated and went to different colleges.
At college, I became roommates with a prima donna named Karen. When I look back on it now, I'm nauseated at the way I licked her boots. She made me feel stupid even when I was tutoring her for the third time on how to do logarithms. I was totally sucked into her drama. I remember late one night when she asked me to get back out of my pajamas to go with her to buy a pack of cigarettes. Cigarettes? And I did it. Did I really have anything in common with this girl? Not really, but not for lack of trying. I came to love Karen's family, but eventually, I decided she wasn't worth my time and all the care I had given her. I'm telling you, life is too short to spend worrying about people who don't love you back.
During all that boot-licking, Lily came to visit. I kept getting her boyfriend's name wrong. His name is Bill. She eventually married this nice man. Worse than not paying attention, I was caught up in Karen's drama which seemed to increase since I had a friend visiting who wanted to spend time with me. I have to admit that I let Karen's snotty attitude foul the waters. I acted as though I was better than Lily. I was part of Karen's in-crowd now. I didn't mention to Lily that Karen's crowd routinely called me a space cadet, that they barely acknowledged my existence and when they did, it was to make me feel like an idiot. Lily left after that weekend and I didn't hear from her again. I had made a mistake, a big mistake.
I managed to hold onto my other friend, Connie, a little longer. Thankfully, Connie never met Karen. Karen would have eaten her alive. At least Lily had some self-preservation and didn't buy into any of the bullshit. Connie had been that little girl in second grade who would hang onto anyone who wasn't actively mean to her. She was clingy then. I didn't become friends with her in second grade, though I wish I had. Connie was loyal, funny, and so caring a friend that I thought I could never lose her. In high school, on Saturdays, we used to go to Pizza Hut and order the salad bar because we didn't have enough money for pizza. We'd sit there for hours and talk. Connie was really good at listening, something I'm still trying to get the hang of.
So even after college, Connie and I would meet when I was in town and we'd head off to the Pizza Hut, this time with enough money to actually order pizza. We could still talk for hours together. Every time I saw Connie, we would start back up where we left off, filling in the gaps we'd missed.
Then she came out to me.
I was so awkward. I have no idea why I acted the way I did. It wasn't really a surprise to me that Connie was a lesbian. In fact, it made a lot of puzzle pieces of Connie's life shift into place for the first time. It taught me, in that instant, that who we love isn't important, but that we love is. I've spent a lot of time thinking about that moment since then. I've even taken a stand politically at times because of my poor ravaged friendship with Connie. But in that moment with her, I was awkward and I think Connie was embarrassed and regretted telling me. Can I go back and suddenly say just the right thing? Can I tell her that I want to be her friend no matter what? No.
No. I can't do it right that first time.
I did manage to find Connie's sister on Facebook. I didn't send her a friend request because I didn't really know her all that well. I did send her a message, though. In it, I asked if she'd give Connie my email address and I told her that I still missed her sister.
I may not be able to go back, but I will go forward. At least I'll go forward knowing that I tried to make things right, even after all these years.
Thank you for listening, jb
...
I have just spent the last hour on Facebook, trying to locate these two people. Lily has a unique name and I found her immediately. I hope she accepts my friend request. It would be a form of forgiveness for what I did. Lily and I were close friends all through high school. She was always nice to me, no matter how silly I behaved. I believed that we would be friends forever. Then we graduated and went to different colleges.
At college, I became roommates with a prima donna named Karen. When I look back on it now, I'm nauseated at the way I licked her boots. She made me feel stupid even when I was tutoring her for the third time on how to do logarithms. I was totally sucked into her drama. I remember late one night when she asked me to get back out of my pajamas to go with her to buy a pack of cigarettes. Cigarettes? And I did it. Did I really have anything in common with this girl? Not really, but not for lack of trying. I came to love Karen's family, but eventually, I decided she wasn't worth my time and all the care I had given her. I'm telling you, life is too short to spend worrying about people who don't love you back.
During all that boot-licking, Lily came to visit. I kept getting her boyfriend's name wrong. His name is Bill. She eventually married this nice man. Worse than not paying attention, I was caught up in Karen's drama which seemed to increase since I had a friend visiting who wanted to spend time with me. I have to admit that I let Karen's snotty attitude foul the waters. I acted as though I was better than Lily. I was part of Karen's in-crowd now. I didn't mention to Lily that Karen's crowd routinely called me a space cadet, that they barely acknowledged my existence and when they did, it was to make me feel like an idiot. Lily left after that weekend and I didn't hear from her again. I had made a mistake, a big mistake.
I managed to hold onto my other friend, Connie, a little longer. Thankfully, Connie never met Karen. Karen would have eaten her alive. At least Lily had some self-preservation and didn't buy into any of the bullshit. Connie had been that little girl in second grade who would hang onto anyone who wasn't actively mean to her. She was clingy then. I didn't become friends with her in second grade, though I wish I had. Connie was loyal, funny, and so caring a friend that I thought I could never lose her. In high school, on Saturdays, we used to go to Pizza Hut and order the salad bar because we didn't have enough money for pizza. We'd sit there for hours and talk. Connie was really good at listening, something I'm still trying to get the hang of.
So even after college, Connie and I would meet when I was in town and we'd head off to the Pizza Hut, this time with enough money to actually order pizza. We could still talk for hours together. Every time I saw Connie, we would start back up where we left off, filling in the gaps we'd missed.
Then she came out to me.
I was so awkward. I have no idea why I acted the way I did. It wasn't really a surprise to me that Connie was a lesbian. In fact, it made a lot of puzzle pieces of Connie's life shift into place for the first time. It taught me, in that instant, that who we love isn't important, but that we love is. I've spent a lot of time thinking about that moment since then. I've even taken a stand politically at times because of my poor ravaged friendship with Connie. But in that moment with her, I was awkward and I think Connie was embarrassed and regretted telling me. Can I go back and suddenly say just the right thing? Can I tell her that I want to be her friend no matter what? No.
No. I can't do it right that first time.
I did manage to find Connie's sister on Facebook. I didn't send her a friend request because I didn't really know her all that well. I did send her a message, though. In it, I asked if she'd give Connie my email address and I told her that I still missed her sister.
I may not be able to go back, but I will go forward. At least I'll go forward knowing that I tried to make things right, even after all these years.
Thank you for listening, jb
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