Remember when I told you that before anything even started, Mike dumped me? I had just kissed the guy and gone out a few times with him. How could I have lost so much when he stopped asking me out?
After that, the time I spent in the engineering lab with him was agonizing. Mike and I were responsible for different parts of our design. Remember, he was a software engineer and I was hardware. I tried not to let my hurt get the upper hand as we debugged our design. I let Mike talk about the people in his Explorer Post. I tried not to let go of the smile I pasted on my face when he was talking about her. It hurt, even when it turned out that all they would ever be was good friends. He talked about canoe trips, climbing, hiking, and caving. This group had a history. I tried to tell him about the ten days I spent hiking with my church group on the Appalachian trail in North Carolina. I told him how I'd hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back in one day, but those feats lost their shine compared to the deep connection he had with these people.
It was such a relief to walk out of that lab at the end of the day, a relief because I didn't have to act cheerful any more, but then the sadness set in. Weekends were the worst. One Friday, I had decided to hike a section of the Appalachian trail up in the Catskills. I wanted to be alone with my sadness. I wanted time to think. I thought I'd like camping out there by myself. Mike encouraged me to go. It was a place that he loved. He even loaned me a topo map. I was going to prove to him what he'd lost. I was a girl who was comfortable in the woods.
I packed a tarp that I could use as a tent, my old flannel sleeping bag with the cowboys on the lining, matches, a pocket knife, Mike's map, a compass, portable food and some extra clothing. I don't think I even had a cook stove with me. In the end, I made it a day trip, because I couldn't imagine sleeping out in the woods by myself, even if I did build a fire.
It felt pretty strange walking along that trail alone. I found myself being friendly, chatting with people I crossed paths with, because I didn't really want to be alone in an unfamiliar area, even with a good map. Hiking around Indiana was one thing. I knew where I was there. These were the Catskills and this trail went all the way to Canada. So, I got to talking to one cute guy for a while. I didn't tell him my name or where I lived, but we chatted for a long time, standing on that mountainside trail. He was interested in me, I could tell, but I made it clear that I was not joining any hikers on this trail. I was hiking solo. My attempt to prove something to Mike had turned this into a quest. I wasn't going to cheat, even with a cute stranger who felt comfortable with where he was. I didn't manage the whole loop, but doubled back when I figured I was at the half-way point in the day. I didn't need to mention that to Mike when I showed up for work on Monday. I just hoped he wouldn't ask about any landmarks that I'd missed.
That night, I ended up sleeping in my clothes inside my sleeping bag wrapped in my tarp within arm's distance of the wheel of my little red Renault. I had my keys in my pocket and a hat on my head. I was too creeped out to sleep. I really should have gotten up and driven home, but I was determined to 'camp' even if it was in the shadow of my own little car.
On Monday, I acted all exuberant and told Mike about my quest. He seemed duly impressed and didn't quiz me on the landmarks or the steep spot on his map where the contour lines were tight. I hadn't even made it to that point, the place Mike had said had a spectacular view. I didn't lie about it, but I implied that I hiked the whole trail and spent the night. If he had any doubts, he didn't voice them either.
I was surprised when the cute guy from the trail called me on the phone. Really surprised. I hadn't given him my number or even my name. It turned out that he'd wheedled the information from the park ranger. I'd left my name, number, and address at the sign-post at the trailhead. I flirted with this guy, but I told him I couldn't possibly go out with him. I had no idea who he was. Yet, we talked late into the night. Then he called again a few days later. I teased him, calling him a stalker, but again, we talked for a very long time. After quite a few of these marathon phone calls, I finally relented and met the guy for a date.
Oh man, I had almost forgotten how awful dating really was, meeting total strangers to see if there was a connection. I don't want to go into details, but this guy - we'll call him Asshole - turned out to be a nightmare. We dated for three months. I happily reported to Mike that I had a boyfriend, but in the meantime, Asshole alternately showed up where I hadn't invited him or complained that I was too clingy. He was cruel to his mother. That worried and embarrassed me. And, I'm pretty sure that when we went to a new Cajun restaurant for the first time, the clear gel on his fish was spit because of the way he'd been demeaning to the waitress. What I didn't know until afterward was that he made fun of me around my friends when I wasn't in the room. Then, when they'd gone, he'd make fun of them. He was astute, but not at all nice. Not one of them liked him, but they didn't tell me that until much later. What was I doing?
It took me a while to figure all that out. In the meantime, it got a little easier talking to Mike because I had 'a boyfriend.'
"My boyfriend and I went to Suffolk county to look at the fall colors."
"My boyfriend and I picked out the biggest pumpkin I ever had. It took two of us to get it up the stairs to my apartment."
"My boyfriend and I got a Christmas tree that was so big, I had to go out and buy a saw to cut off the bottom so it would fit."
Oh, I can imagine how nauseating that was for everybody around me. I was just happy to be over Mike, to have a boyfriend during the holidays. I was so over him that I was still trying to act happy around him four months after he'd stopped asking me out. Mike even started asking me to go do things again. I kept saying no because I thought he was making fun of me. Asshole was an influence in that way of thinking. What I didn't know was that Mike was serious and that it was 'my boyfriend' who was making fun of me.
And then there was New Years eve. You know, I'm running out of steam right now, so I'll tell you about that New Year's eve party another time. Yup, that was a New Year's eve that I will never ever forget. I'm going to go dream about that night right now.
Thank you for listening, jb
After that, the time I spent in the engineering lab with him was agonizing. Mike and I were responsible for different parts of our design. Remember, he was a software engineer and I was hardware. I tried not to let my hurt get the upper hand as we debugged our design. I let Mike talk about the people in his Explorer Post. I tried not to let go of the smile I pasted on my face when he was talking about her. It hurt, even when it turned out that all they would ever be was good friends. He talked about canoe trips, climbing, hiking, and caving. This group had a history. I tried to tell him about the ten days I spent hiking with my church group on the Appalachian trail in North Carolina. I told him how I'd hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back in one day, but those feats lost their shine compared to the deep connection he had with these people.
It was such a relief to walk out of that lab at the end of the day, a relief because I didn't have to act cheerful any more, but then the sadness set in. Weekends were the worst. One Friday, I had decided to hike a section of the Appalachian trail up in the Catskills. I wanted to be alone with my sadness. I wanted time to think. I thought I'd like camping out there by myself. Mike encouraged me to go. It was a place that he loved. He even loaned me a topo map. I was going to prove to him what he'd lost. I was a girl who was comfortable in the woods.
I packed a tarp that I could use as a tent, my old flannel sleeping bag with the cowboys on the lining, matches, a pocket knife, Mike's map, a compass, portable food and some extra clothing. I don't think I even had a cook stove with me. In the end, I made it a day trip, because I couldn't imagine sleeping out in the woods by myself, even if I did build a fire.
It felt pretty strange walking along that trail alone. I found myself being friendly, chatting with people I crossed paths with, because I didn't really want to be alone in an unfamiliar area, even with a good map. Hiking around Indiana was one thing. I knew where I was there. These were the Catskills and this trail went all the way to Canada. So, I got to talking to one cute guy for a while. I didn't tell him my name or where I lived, but we chatted for a long time, standing on that mountainside trail. He was interested in me, I could tell, but I made it clear that I was not joining any hikers on this trail. I was hiking solo. My attempt to prove something to Mike had turned this into a quest. I wasn't going to cheat, even with a cute stranger who felt comfortable with where he was. I didn't manage the whole loop, but doubled back when I figured I was at the half-way point in the day. I didn't need to mention that to Mike when I showed up for work on Monday. I just hoped he wouldn't ask about any landmarks that I'd missed.
That night, I ended up sleeping in my clothes inside my sleeping bag wrapped in my tarp within arm's distance of the wheel of my little red Renault. I had my keys in my pocket and a hat on my head. I was too creeped out to sleep. I really should have gotten up and driven home, but I was determined to 'camp' even if it was in the shadow of my own little car.
On Monday, I acted all exuberant and told Mike about my quest. He seemed duly impressed and didn't quiz me on the landmarks or the steep spot on his map where the contour lines were tight. I hadn't even made it to that point, the place Mike had said had a spectacular view. I didn't lie about it, but I implied that I hiked the whole trail and spent the night. If he had any doubts, he didn't voice them either.
I was surprised when the cute guy from the trail called me on the phone. Really surprised. I hadn't given him my number or even my name. It turned out that he'd wheedled the information from the park ranger. I'd left my name, number, and address at the sign-post at the trailhead. I flirted with this guy, but I told him I couldn't possibly go out with him. I had no idea who he was. Yet, we talked late into the night. Then he called again a few days later. I teased him, calling him a stalker, but again, we talked for a very long time. After quite a few of these marathon phone calls, I finally relented and met the guy for a date.
Oh man, I had almost forgotten how awful dating really was, meeting total strangers to see if there was a connection. I don't want to go into details, but this guy - we'll call him Asshole - turned out to be a nightmare. We dated for three months. I happily reported to Mike that I had a boyfriend, but in the meantime, Asshole alternately showed up where I hadn't invited him or complained that I was too clingy. He was cruel to his mother. That worried and embarrassed me. And, I'm pretty sure that when we went to a new Cajun restaurant for the first time, the clear gel on his fish was spit because of the way he'd been demeaning to the waitress. What I didn't know until afterward was that he made fun of me around my friends when I wasn't in the room. Then, when they'd gone, he'd make fun of them. He was astute, but not at all nice. Not one of them liked him, but they didn't tell me that until much later. What was I doing?
It took me a while to figure all that out. In the meantime, it got a little easier talking to Mike because I had 'a boyfriend.'
"My boyfriend and I went to Suffolk county to look at the fall colors."
"My boyfriend and I picked out the biggest pumpkin I ever had. It took two of us to get it up the stairs to my apartment."
"My boyfriend and I got a Christmas tree that was so big, I had to go out and buy a saw to cut off the bottom so it would fit."
Oh, I can imagine how nauseating that was for everybody around me. I was just happy to be over Mike, to have a boyfriend during the holidays. I was so over him that I was still trying to act happy around him four months after he'd stopped asking me out. Mike even started asking me to go do things again. I kept saying no because I thought he was making fun of me. Asshole was an influence in that way of thinking. What I didn't know was that Mike was serious and that it was 'my boyfriend' who was making fun of me.
And then there was New Years eve. You know, I'm running out of steam right now, so I'll tell you about that New Year's eve party another time. Yup, that was a New Year's eve that I will never ever forget. I'm going to go dream about that night right now.
Thank you for listening, jb
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