Sunday, January 25, 2015

Funny and Frightening

I haven't told you about books I'm reading lately, have I? I've been reading funny. You know when it's late and you're reading but also trying not to wake people up? If that's what you're doing, you do not want to read 'Bossypants' by Tina Fey or 'Let's Pretend this Never Happened' by the Bloggess, Jenny Lawson. (Boy, I hope Jenny Lawson owns that word, Bloggess, because if she doesn't, some big company is totally going to come along and steal it from her. Bossypants would be a good word to own too, but no one is going to mess with Tina Fey after what she did to Sarah Palin's career. One the same note, no one will bother Jenny Lawson simply because she spends so much time writing about taxidermy and accidentally killing your best friend in your sleep. Seriously, I love reading her book, but would I want to be friends with her? Would I? Yeah, I guess I would, but I'd just have to put my fate in the hands of the great Universe and hope that I really can't die laughing.)

Mike keeps asking me to go to a sleep doctor because I'm not sleeping at night. I blame the funny books. Think about it. They always tell you not to exercise too close to bed time because it'll get your adrenaline running and I think it's the same with laughing until your ribs hurt. I always wish someone was up during the night so I could read sections of these books to them. I hate when people do that to me, but I love doing it.

I could go to bed right now, but it's only 7:33 and I'd wake up at 2:43 am and have to watch multiple episodes of Dr. Who until everybody got up. Sometimes I do a load of dishes in the middle of the night, but no one appreciates the vacuum when they're sleeping and it's too dark and scary outside to mow the lawn.

Funny thing about the dark. I am scared of the dark. Really. You should have seen me trying to take out the garbage after dark after I saw the movie 'I am Legend.' That movie drove me inside my house at night for at least a year. And it was worse whenever I would see anyone walking along the highway outside my house in the evening. No. Sorry. Can't think about that movie too much or I'll go right back to that place.

But do you want to know the funny part, the thing that's strange? When I go camping, I totally love walking around at night in the dark after the campfire has been doused and most of the time, I don't even bother turning on my flashlight. Can someone explain to me why it's so different? Dark streets in a city freak me out but not in the wilderness. Oh, that was totally logical. I managed to spend weekend nights in New York city for eight years and I learned to stay in the light. If it's dark down that alley, you do not want to know what's in there. But I live with woods on three sides of my house with a nearly impenetrable hillside behind it. If anyone is coming from back there, they're falling. So why isn't it the same at home as it is at camp?

Maybe it's the people I'm camping with. I don't like camping alone. Not one bit. One time, I tried to camp by myself and I didn't sleep all night. There was no peace. Another time I car camped on the way to visit my family and I slept so close to my car I might as well have been sleeping under it. I could smell antifreeze. Must have had a leak. No wonder that car froze up one day and never ran again.

It still doesn't make sense, because those same people are usually the ones sleeping in my house when I'm freaked out about going outside into the dark. Mike loves to give me a little bit of grief about 'I am Legend.' Is that funny?

Hey, what happened? I was supposed to be telling you about the funny books I've been reading. Sorry. I just carried away. Plus, I caught a bit of a stomach flu. It was hard to watch the bridal shop scene in 'Bridesmaids' last night. It's not quite as funny when you feel that way too. I haven't hugged you lately, have I? Don't think so. Good. Go wash your hands, just in case.

I told Mike that I'm almost better except that I felt bloated all day. He started singing 'bloated on the river' to the tune of 'Proud Mary' as he made up plates of turkey, mashed potatoes, and vegetables for Nick and himself. I ate oatmeal. Turkey didn't even smell right. I yelled into the kitchen to ask him if that was the search and rescue theme song. He stopped short for a minute, a plate in each hand. Then he burst out laughing. I made him laugh! Why is drowning on the river funny? Why is getting food poisoning in a movie? Why?

Maybe Jenny Lawson is rubbing off on me. I will not tell you the real story of my stomach flu. I keep telling myself I won't tell you. It might have been funny, but it wasn't funny yesterday so I don't want to tell you and maybe I won't, not even for the sake of making you laugh.

Thank you for listening, jb

No comments:

Post a Comment