Tuesday, December 5, 2017

If Your Teachers Were Comedians

I have an interview today for a part-time job that I've been doing for two years now.

Can you believe that I'm nervous?

I volunteer at the school, working with students to help them write. With one guy, I simply used Natalie Goldberg's advice for freewriting to break his writer's block. That's all it took before he didn't need me any more. I worked with that same guy for two years, but the best thing I did for him was to repeat what I said on that first day. Keep your hands moving on the keyboard. Don't correct anything yet. Stay focused for as long as you can and each time you break, take note of how long you kept up the good focus. Then, for subsequent freewrites, try to extend it just a little bit longer until you can write continuously for twenty minutes at a time without stopping. Then, if you have a shitty first draft according to Anne Lamott's good advice, you can run through it word by word and clean it up.

I'm doing a freewrite now. Can you tell?

I do it all the time, sit down and write until I know what it is that I want to say. I hardly ever know what I want to tell you when I sit down to a blank screen. I just keep writing until something pops up. Today, it's a way for me to think about that interview and what I would do differently with students if they let me.

I'm writing about writing again. Do you mind? Wouldn't you rather I write about kittens or dogs playing games? Wouldn't you rather hear something funny?

Me too. I'd rather, but today I have an interview and I'm trying to prepare for it. What if they ask me what my weaknesses are?

I get distracted. I'm not serious enough, but the high school students generally like that even if the staff doesn't. I don't often use the words gerund, preposition, pronoun, conjunction with a student when we're talking about their writing.

Conjunction junction. What's your function?

Are you old enough to remember that?

You know, I'm not sure if there's a deep benefit to learning much besides noun, verb, adjective. I tell my students to read their work aloud, that their minds know when the grammar is correct. Then we talk about 'ain't.' I like to use the word 'vernacular' with them. I get to try my Indiana twang on then.

"Y'all ain't gonna let me ride shotgun, ain't ya?" I say with my best hometown dialect. And any of my students will invariably agree with me that this is not correct grammar. I tell them it's great to use in dialog if they can.

Then, if I'm really on it, I pull out an English accent and say, "But you would most likely smash up the lorry if you were to ride where you might be seen wearing that bloody ugly jumper.'

Then, suddenly they know what 'vernacular' means and I can work them through hearing the grammar, correct and vernacular. Then we can talk about our narrator. Sometimes a whole book is written in the vernacular, I tell them, but they'd better be careful using that for an English teacher. It had better be done in a way that their teachers know it's intentional and not an unfortunate accident that will leave them with a C or a D in class.

You know, I honestly think that the school system should hire smart stand-up comics as teachers. Can you imagine taking that class as you're getting your Masters Degree in Education? Getting and Keeping Students' Attention 101. How to Engage your Reluctant Student through Humor 102.

When you go listen to a stand-up comic, you never look away if she's funny. It doesn't matter if she's talking about how her mother goes on and on about gout while unloading Depends and Exlax chocolate from a grocery bag on a hot day. You're not going to look away. Even though there's just a woman, a microphone, and a footstool hosting a glass of water on the stage. You're not going to look away because you might miss something she does with her face up there. You'd hate it if everybody laughed and you missed it.

Yes, I really believe that that teachers should be able to entertain their students. I think that humor is a challenging but engaging art form. I think that it should be encouraged, that kids making presentations should be told that being funny will keep all eyes and ears on them while they are trying to make a point.

I don't think I should say that in my interview at the school today, do you?

Thank you for listening, jb

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