Monday, December 16, 2013

Unsent Versus Unscented

I have ordered my last Christmas gift, given out all but one year-end thank you cards. I still have Christmas cards to do, and I'll admit to you, that we haven't put up our tree yet. We have lights up outside and that's cheerful, but I'm hoping we have enough merry left in us to get things going tonight, as long as Nick doesn't have too much homework.

Mike's officially on vacation until the end of the year and he's on his way home for the day. Nick only has two and a half more days of school before his break begins. And in honor of starting early, I'm still in my pajamas. For those of you who are time-zone challenged, that means that my child has come home from school already and I'm still in my pajamas. Oh, I had breakfast, a healthy lunch, tea, and a tiny square of chocolate, but I haven't yet showered.

In my defense, I don't smell. I'm in a new phase of adulthood. I'm too old to have raging hormones, the ones that make teenagers sweaty and smelly. And I'm still too young and floss too regularly, to have that sour old-lady smell. Well, usually.

Can I tell you a secret? I was starting to get that sour old-lady smell. A couple of times, I didn't even smell like myself. Yuck. Then, Mike bought a Rub Away bar. You know the ones that are supposed to take away the smell of garlic. I ask you - who doesn't like the smell of garlic? There are a lot of opinions online about how or if it even works at all. You know, it might be a hat trick, but for me, it works better than your average abrasive washcloth.

Here's what I think happens. You're supposed to stand in the shower with this bar rubbing on your arm pit for thirty or forty seconds. I don't even rub hard. I just make contact. I think it's electrolysis, the same process that turns your aluminum pans black in the dishwasher only if the inside is made of stainless steel.

So, the real test would be to use a washcloth on one arm pit and the Rub Away bar on the other for a week or two. Honestly, I'm not interested in going around with one stinky armpit, not even in the name of science. I think I smell better than I used to. I think the whole family does, though Mike and Nick still use deodorant in addition to rubbing their pits with stainless steel shaped like a bar of soap.

Can't some smart scientist tell me if I'm right or wrong?

I have this impulse for a couple more Christmas presents. I can think people who would benefit from this Rub Away bar. I have a relative who doesn't believe in sullying himself with toxic chemicals. I get that. I really do. But even thought this guy showers, he still smells. Doesn't he know that? It wouldn't really help another relative I have who doesn't even bother to shower. This Rub Away bar doesn't perform miracles after all.

It also won't get rid of the serious case of bed-head that I've been walking around with all day. A good hat will perform that miracle when I take Nick to karate later tonight.

Mike tells me it would be rude to buy Rub Away bars for these relatives for Christmas. Hell, I think helping a man become presentable enough to attract a woman would be a great Christmas gift. I'll refrain, then, but you know I really want to send them. 

Thank you for listening, jb

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